Relationships: Knowing when to move on
Posted by mandyf on December 29, 2012
It is sad to say but these days there comes a point in almost all relationships when it just doesn’t work anymore. There can be any number of reasons for this feeling, some rational and some a bit out there. Sometimes it has been time to move on longer than a person realizes or wants to admit to realizing. While each person is certainly an individual there are some sure signs it is time to break it off. For sake of consistency this is from the female perspective, it in no way means this does not work both ways.
The easiest way to know it is time to move on is by listening to your gut. Ask yourself if this is really a person that makes you feel special. Are they the best you can do or do you honestly realize you are settling just to say you have someone, anyone, to call your boyfriend or girlfriend? Do you just feel like there is something that gnaws at you telling you the trust you should have in a relationship just isn’t there? Do you feel like something is very out of place but can’t put your finger on it? In case you don’t trust your gut here are some sure fire signs to look for that it is time for you to move on.
The first sure sign is he doesn’t call anymore, and when he does it has the all to familiar tone of “I have nothing to do, come be with me.” If you are in a relationship and your beau fails to call you for days at a time and you have no contact with each other physically on the job, at school, or some such venue he really isn’t interested in you anymore. This sends a clear signal that he considers you an option, not the answer. As hard as it is to accept, if you have been intimate that may be the only reason he ever calls. If this fits your sweetheart it is time to move on.
He always takes control. By this it means no matter what you are doing it is always his choice and this doesn’t just apply to date locations. Take a quick mental inventory of how many decisions in the relationship you really make completely on your own and not from a list of options he gives you. Do you decide when you will go out or is it always done according to his schedule with you being expected to make it work? Does he ever tell you to go have fun with your friends only to change his mind and tell you to cancel so you can spend time with him? Does he tell you things you can and cannot do when you are apart? Does he do the things he tells you not to do like going to a club?
Does he tell you what to wear, or even worse which of your friends are okay to see without him present? Does he expect you to clear your plans not involving him with him so he may give you his blessing or voice his objection? Does he control the little things without asking you for input like the radio, television, people you will associate with even when out together etc…? If so it is beyond time to move on.
Does he always have an excuse? Try this example, you go out on a Saturday night date and spend the night afterwards. You go home the next day and he doesn’t call. Another day passes and yet another without a call. You leave a message or text and it goes unanswered. Finally you get a hold of him five days later and ask why he never called and he has an excuse like I didn’t know to call, I didn’t want to crowd you, I was busy, I never got the messages, my phone, email, etc… were all down at the same time. He does something he forbids you to do like go to a club but says it is okay because he is just being the wingman or some such thing for a friend. If he does this you are just being played and you have to move on or get a booking with a good therapist.
Does he ask you to do things that put you at risk or actually put you directly at risk against your choosing? An example may be someone you have just begun dating and are being intimate with for the first time that expects unprotected sex even if you are not on birth control. Maybe they espouse their love for you and and say they have unprotected sex all the time so it’s okay, they know how to be sure to not get you pregnant. Don’t bet on it! Maybe they ask you to do things in the bedroom you do not want to do repeatedly and then try to make you feel guilty or even tell you it proves you don’t care about them for not complying. You don’t need this type of person.
Maybe they know you have a substance abuse or drinking problem in your past but still insist on taking you to bars or parties where these substances will be the focus and they actually try goading you into just one drink as “just one won’t hurt!” It is time to drop him like a rock and cover him with dirt.
Does he keep you in the dark about his past? Is he unwilling to discuss his past loves using some lame excuse like it hurts too much to talk about? Does he only seem to get affectionate in public when he notices someone else looking at you? Like it or not this is someone with something to hide and you are little more than a trophy to be displayed. Maybe he just trots you out and stakes his claim to you as property as a means of getting other women interested in him, it’s not an unheard of thing, in fact it is done in bars and clubs every night around the world. The sad fact is he is already probably searching out your replacement. It is time to move on.
Be honest, are you the only one that is in a relationship? Are you kidding yourself into believing everything is equal and actually find yourself making excuses for him and rationalizing all the things he does that marginalize you? If you are willing to be a temporary fix for someone like the person outlined above happy sailing, renew your prozac. If however you value yourself get out of the relationship and don’t accept excuses as to why you should stick it out. It’s toxic, it’s going to hurt worse the longer you stay, and you just don’t deserve it. As the character Dr. Sidney Friedman once said on MASH, “Ladies and gentleman take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice.” Take his advice and slide away from this person. It is time to move on.