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A humorous look at paying for a wedding

Posted by mandyf on April 27, 2012

The vows have been taken the last bottle of champagne has been emptied. Oddly enough so has your bank account. These days having even a fraction of your dream wedding can set you back the price of a tiny island in the South Pacific. The inevitable truth is once the initial joy of the day has passed there’s a big bill to pay. Actually it’s more like thirty or so small to large bills, but all together it’s pretty huge. How do you pay for it all?

There’s always the popular option of pawning it off on the brides parents but these days that’s not such a good idea. Consider this for a moment; you get your dream wedding on the parents dime and in a few years some combination of the economy/unemployment/rising taxes/and the cost of Centrum Silver tablets puts them in the poor house. Who do you think they are going to look to when they lose their home and need a place to live? That’s right, it’s you! I love our parents however I’m not sure I love them living with us. Okay, to be honest I know I don’t like that. I don’t even like thinking about it.

The next option to consider is charging everything to American Express and going bankrupt the day after. Of course that then ruins your credit and sets you up for several years of arguing over money which is never good. Worse though is that now you may have to be the one looking to your parents to move back in with them. See my above sentiments on that to understand why this is a horrid and cruel idea.

It’s illegal in the U.S. and pretty much everywhere for that fact, but I was actually pondering the idea that between us we could each spare a kidney. The going rate is about $8,500 each which is $17,000. That’s not bad except starting married life as cell mates usually isn’t ideal. Plus what happens if one of us gets shanked in prison- in the kidney no less! What do we do then? It’s not like we could ask to have the ones we sold back. That was a bad idea and we didn’t do it. I’m not saying it wasn’t thought of, but in the end the threat of the federal penal system won out.

What else can you do if those options aren’t available? Work harder to save more money for the day? Totally ridiculous. Scale down the day? Not an option, especially at my wedding. Imagine how mad one bride is that isn’t getting her dream day just as she wanted it since childhood. Multiply that attitude by two and it is evident that was impossible. Have no fear though there are a few money makers to help cover the wedding.

Get sponsors! It works for NASCAR and countless other things why not a wedding? You do have to line sponsors up first and be willing perhaps to sew some patches on your gown or tux to display the sponsor’s names but it is an option. You may have to accept the fact that during the Ceremony things will grind to halt for a commercial interruption. It is possible Jarred from Subway could appear on a huge screen behind you saying “This kiss is brought to you by Subway, home of the low fat…” That may not be an option everyone loves but it’s something to explore.

Instead of following the tradition of dollar dances start charging $10. Let’s face it, inflation has set in and it’s hardly worth your time to invest three minutes of dancing for a dollar. Hold a raffle to sell off all the wedding materials. Sentimentality is great, but if someone loves your gown hammer out a sales agreement! Sell the shoes while you’re at it. Hang a banner at the reception that says “Get your wedding gear here! Rock bottom prices!”

Institute a “No freeloader” policy. Everyone pays for admission. Hire a bouncer to charge a cover at the church door. Just a few bucks, everyone can afford that and every little bit helps. No more free food and beverages at the reception. Do they think they’re at Bally’s Casino in Vegas or something and everyone is comped? That is absolutely ludicrous, and if you can raise prices a bit to make a little extra on the deal. Of course if you actually are getting married at Bally’s Casino in Vegas this doesn’t apply. The buffet there is comped!

Make, market and sell your own official wedding souvenirs! Who wouldn’t want a “Joanie and Chachi Forever ’08” wedding tee shirt? No personal cameras allowed so if anyone wants pictures they have to buy them from the weddings official photographer who cuts you a piece of the action. Maybe you can even take pictures of people looking their absolute worst and offer to sell them to the unfortunate folks caught shoving the entire chicken leg in their mouth in a single bite. It’s not really blackmail or anything, it’s just asking them to cover the cost of the photo. Plus postage…and packaging fees. A small labor charge to pack it. A couple hundred bucks should cover all that. Hey, people do it on ebay all the time. Why stop there though, do the same with videos, maybe sell official wedding sweatbands, sickness bags, antacids, toilet paper, and if you’ve got the connections work out a deal with Nike for an official wedding shoe. They’ll sponsor almost anything!

Just to make those last few bucks to get over the hump and turn a profit on the day ban cellular phones from everywhere and have only one pay phone available. Use one of the bouncers from the church to protect it and charge an exorbitant fee to prey on those to weak to make it without reaching out to touch someone. Finally if you’re really desperate find some weird twist that will attract one of those daytime exploitation talk shows so they can pay for it all!

Now these ideas may not work for everyone but why not ponder them a bit? Tweak them to your needs. Wedding days are joyous, turning a profit on them is dare I say orgasmic! Of course I wouldn’t know for sure, we won’t finish paying ours off until early 2063. We’re aiming for a March payoff.


One Response to “A humorous look at paying for a wedding”

  1. txwikinger said

    Reblogged this on txwikinger's blog.

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