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Is Bieber Fever The Answer to Ending Tragic Tween Star Depletion?

Posted by mandyf on December 1, 2011

The latest research that has been released by several studies indicates that Miley Cyrus is officially nearing the end of her entertainment resource value. Out of control consumption of Miley Cyrus by fans has finally left the once red hot tween star with little more than approximately 16% of her total entertainment value still accessible for consumption. As would be expected, news of the Cyrus depletion crisis has sent shockwaves through world causing widespread panic and fear of near apocalyptic proportions.

Tween star depletion is nothing new. Lindsay Lohan was only drilled for 6 years at profitable levels before rapid over consumption sent her spiraling past “getting a little tired of her levels” to “rehab levels” and “oh fuck no” levels in a matter of months leaving nothing behind in the hollow shell of Lohan that can be profitably or safely mined. The Olsen twins suffered a similar fate as well, but skipped “rehab levels” and went straight to “eating disorder levels” before the remaining 9% of viable entertainment resources in the twins could be harvested. Sadly, that little bit that was left was found to be the equivalent of warm cola  backwash was exported to third world countries.

Miley Cyrus abuse surpassed both of those once bountiful entertainment resources without batting an eye. The Institute for Sustainable Cyrus Use has indicated that since Cyrus has already hit the “too wild?” stage of usage, Cyrus may have less than 5 months of sustainable entertainment value if some form of intervention is not implemented immediately. Disney executives have stated that they feel there is enough Cyrus to go around longer than that however if they can pry her crotch off the stripper pole. They intend to continue pumping “Cyrus Classic”, (A digitally remastered early version of the current “whore model Cyrus” currently available in bountiful amounts) out to the masses through the end of 2013 which would be the usual tween star profitability lifespan.

As 83% of tween star profits were Cyrus based only 18 months ago, the Institute for Sustainable Cyrus Use issued a statement that if people cannot catch a stronger dose of Bieber fever to help take some of the pressure off Miley, Miley will be a “withered husk that offers no entertainment value by early 2012.” Plans to keep Selena Gomez strictly rationed for another 18-24 months is not helping slow the rapid deceleration of sustainable Cyrus. Should stockpiles of Selena be flooded to the public it is possible that much of it will be tainted, thereby causing nausea and cramping. Be on the lookout for counterfeit Selena as well and report all instances of Selena cloning immediately – she is the closest thing to a pure tween treasure that is left and must be protected!

There are alerts out to warn the public that people will turn animalistic forming roving packs of barbarian hordes that steamroll through towns butchering people until they can locate every remaining shred of Cyrus related entertainment as was experienced during the Debbie Gibson/Tiffany riots of 1988.  Already, people have been seen hording Cyrus fashion dolls, and at a Southwestern US WalMart, a rampaging pack of single dads left the store in shambles trying to secure the few remaining Hannah Montana charm bracelets rumored to be stashed behind a display full of “Swatch-like watches.” If such behavior continues and some form of Cyrus rationing is not immediately implemented, The Institute for Sustainable Cyrus Use has warned governments will collapse, global warming will accelerate, and The Son of God himself will be none too pleased he is being denied his daily dose of Cyrus and is instead forced to take his chances with Bieber fever which is rumored to be infectious and cause a “wicked bad case of the squirts.”

Inspired by the Onion News Network

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