Mind Candy

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The 10 Worst Albums Ever – Aside from anything by a boy band or the Spice Girls

Posted by mandyf on September 29, 2011

Good albums, even great albums, are pretty easy to come by – but what about bad albums? Albums so bad you want to jam an ice pick into your ears just to make the sound stop? Albums so bad you’d sacrifice ten live virgins to the ghost of Kurt Cobain just as an apology for soiling his afterlife listening experience? Music so bad, that if you happen to have a penis, you’d masturbate with a cheese grater before subjecting yourself or anyone else to the horrors you’ve heard one more time. As fate would have it – the minds at Mind Candy have the ten worst freakin’ albums you can imagine compiled here. Listen at your own risk – we are not responsible for you waking up screaming in the night.

It’s easy to pick anything by every boy band, the Spice Girls, Kenny G or Yanni, so we took this a little further – they suck from #1 to however long it takes for their shit to run out. After them however, this is the remaining top suck.

Eilert Pilarm is an Elvis impersonator. A Swedish Elvis impersonator. He has the jumpsuits. He has some form of background music. He tries real hard, but Jean Claude Van DAMME is he bad! Some of the words coming out of his mouth are pretty mangled. It’s like going to karaoke and seeing that guy that has had like 9 drinks too many mangle his way through Sentimental Journey for the 18th time! He’s probably a really nice guy, but holy shit dude! Please stop killing what is left of the King! We’ll say his Greatest Hits album is the worst, but they all suck really bad.

“My Son, The Phone Caller” by Sammy Petrillo is just unusual. Not good unusual like waking up to find your girlfriend stroking away your morning wood without being asked, unusual like is this potentially criminal as some sort of slight against humanity? The only thing he did worse than sing, maybe, was impersonate Jerry Lewis. It’s too close to call really. Thankfully, finding the actual album or music for download is a pill, so you just have to see him perform to appreciate how God awful it was.

Vanilla Ice – “Hard to Swallow”? It sure as hell was! It was so hard to swallow it’s still causing us discomfort after all these years! Why did he do it? Who let him do it? Who is the asshole that thought this was a good idea? Just fucking kill me. Hit me with a shovel, cut off body parts, do whatever you must! This blows harder than 5 fluffers on a 8 day meth jag!

The Star Wars Christmas Album “Christmas in the Stars”…Oh holy shit! I know a few geeks probably soiled their spank sock a few dozen times over C-3PO and R2-D2 somewhat warbling through these weird ass original (royalty free for them) Christmas songs, but dear god man! “Perhaps Chewie can help too” – That is like the best line on the whole damn album. I’m glad I can’t have kids so I don’t bring them into a freaky ass world with this shit going down as music….If Stormtroopers didn’t have such shitty aim we could have been spared this abomination!

“Dirty Work” by The Rolling Stones….Yeah I said it! This album sucks. You have the Stones. You mix in Jimmy Page, Jimmy Cliff, Anton Fig, Tom Waits, Ivan Neville, Dan Collette, shake it all up and get a big fucking bucket of suck! You have Anton Fig – a major league kick ass drummer of near legendary proportions and you have him play the shakers? Really? The fucking shakers? You drop in Beverly D’Angelo, who has nice lungs, and make her a featured background vocalist? You have Patti Scialfa who IS a fucking glorified shaker player and make her a vocalist? No wonder this piece of shit fell apart – and the gall they had to release it like 25 years later as being “Remastered” is appalling! Shame on you wrinkled vagina looking over the hill in the grave doofuses! Shame……

The Styx debacle, “KIlroy Was Here” was…is…let me just say domo arigato Mr. Roboto and leave it at that……A part of me dies every time I hear that….the album was like death on a saltine. Horrid….

Dylan and The Dead should be a monster combination – and monster is right if you mean monster sized suck! Killer album cover! Killer work apart from each other, but when you put them together it is like lamb and tuna. Just nasty all up in your mouth. I keep trying to find that one redeeming cut that doesn’t make me feel like an asshole for having bought this unheard just because it is Dylan and The Dead, and sadly, they let me down and I continue to feel like an asshole for the purchase.

“Playing to an Audience of One” by David Soul makes me remember why, in large part, the 70’s sucked – and I was just a kid then and knew how bad this blew! I’ll be honest – I never actually bought this album but I did have “Silver Lady” on a K-Tel album. I have however heard the whole album – once. Just once. I think it is possibly why I can’t have children. Not actually, but it is so harsh that if I was subjected to prolonged sessions of this album, it may just curdle my milk, and my milk is already a little off as it is.

Spinal Tap “Break Like the Wind” – and yes, we get what Spinal tap is, but they made a second album and as much as we love the Tap and crank the black album to 11, this effort actually did break like the wind. It hurts to say that because the black album was genius – and we love the characters here at Mind candy – particularly Derek Smalls. I, we, feel awful about this, but this album makes us feel awful….

Duran Duran “Thank You” …. No thanks! It’s cool to pay homage to the performers that inspired you, but damn! Do it at least half ass – or in this case at least ¼ ass. The songs them self are okay. It’s the way they are performed and how incredibly over matched and possibly stoned they were when laying the tracks down. More than likely they whipped this piece of shot out to fulfill a contract, but damn dudes….harsh toke….
Q magazine called it “54 minutes and 29 seconds of pure hell,” Doing “lay lay lay” was bad. “Crystal Ship” was worse. “911 is a Joke”…..OMFG!!!

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