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5 Great Movies You Will Never Get To See – And Here’s Why

Posted by mandyf on September 19, 2011

The world is full of plenty of great movies you have seen, some so-so movies you’ve seen, and some real pieces of crap you’ve been tortured with like bamboo shoots under the fingernails. There is however another category of movies out there to consider – great movies that were never made! Okay, so maybe they would have really sucked, but no one will ever know because they will never see the light of day – at least they way they were originally envisioned. Maybe the world is better off without them, but you be the judge when considering these movies that never made it to the screen.

photo by silent k

Howard Stern - A face made for radio

The Movie: Fartman
The star: Possibly Howard Stern
The Problem: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Longtime fans of Howard Stern almost universally familiar with his sketch about Fartman. Someone, for some reason, thought it would be a good idea to make a movie about Fartman. It was 1996, Clinton was in office and times were different. Jonathan Lawton, the guy who did Pretty Woman was actually working on the script. Sern was hugely popular at the time and toilet humor always seems to go over well What could be a problem?

The problem was the Ninja Turtles! New Line pictures had the rights to bring Fartman to the screen – the same as the had for those pizza loving turtles. The thing is, they never had any licensing rights for the Ninja Turtles so they missed out on gobs and gobs of money by making zilch on the merchandising. They weren’t about to let that happen again, so they told Stern they needed those rights to move forward. Stern said show me the money. New Line said – how about 5%? Stern told them to piss off. As Stern put it, “The deal fell through over Fartman coffee mugs.” The movie was never made and Howard didn’t make his big screen debut until private parts came out.

The Movie: A Day At The U.N.
The Stars: The Marx Brothers
The problem: Insurance

A Day At The U.N. was supposed to bring the Marx Brothers back together again on the big screen after ten years on hiatus. Billy Wilder who directed Some Like It Hot and Sunset Boulevard was set to go. Gummo Marx, the lesser known Marx brother who acted as their agent was psyched about the movie and the money. Groucho was pumped up for it. Even Harpo and Chico were down for it. So what went wrong?

There was no insurance agency that would underwrite the movie. Everyone that crunched the numbers and looked at the players involved was convinced that there was no way in hell the movie would ever be finished – and if by some miracle it was it would be so far over budget and dated it would never be released. For once, the underwriters were dead on – literally. Harpo was recovering from a heart attack, which was a major issue, but he wound up being the healthy one. Chico dropped dead in 1961. By then it didn’t matter. The movie was already shelved, but if they tried to make it, they never would have finished it with the original cast of all three Marx brothers.

This photo is more interesting that ANY Jaws movie released after the original

The Movie: National Lampoon’s Jaws 3, People 0
The Star: Jaws!!
The problem: Idiots!!!

Jaws 2 tanked in theaters. Did anyone really expect it to be better than the original? We get the story – big frickin’ shark is all pissed off about being hunted. Where could you go with that and keep it interesting a second time around? The idea was that since the franchise had become a joke after one sequel, why not embrace that and make it a huge joke! What harm could it do? John Hughes, 16 Candles John Hughes, signed on for it. National lampoon was still doing funny stuff then so that was another plus. This should have been all tiger blood and win. What could go wrong?

The idiots at Universal decided that the problem with jaws 2 was that it wasn’t scary enough. What could make it scary? Jaws in 3-D! Well, that idea sucked floppy donkey balls and that did even worse than jaws 2. Even cool as technology couldn’t drag that piece of crap out of the toilet. Jaws 3, People 0 never got made or even fleshed out as a screenplay. It just floated like a doodie in front of Spaulding in the Bushwood Country Club pool. Had it been made you could only wonder what direction Hughes ma have gone in – career wise and whatnot.

Two Kennedys, One Marilyn....Guess which got sloppy seconds?

The Movie: Something’s Got To Give
The Stars: Dean Martin and Marilyn Monroe
The Problem: Monroe was having a Charlie Sheen moment

This was supposed to be a classic big glam, big stars, big hit movie for 20th Century Fox that kept the cash rolling in so they could finance the remainder of the movie Cleopatra. The other thing is that it was going to finish out their contract with Monroe who they wanted to dump worse than a hooker with a scorching case of herpes. The film was constantly on again/off again as Monroe refused to work too many people to even be marginally reasonable. She was a train wreck at the time, high on who knows what. She showed up hours late or not all. Something had to give.

Monroe was fired from the project finally. Those on the set described her as boozed up and incoherent. That was kept quiet mostly because if you’re banging JFK that’s how things roll. When she was fired, Dean Martin threatened to quit if she wasn’t brought back. Even Martin had to have realized the script was horseshit and there was no way in hell it would go anywhere with him billed as the lead star. They brought Marilyn back to appease Martin. The film was now months overdue and over a million beyond it’s full budget which was serious cheddar back then. They got everything worked out, everyone was playing nice and saying the right things, then the dumb bitch OD’d. The project was shelved right there and never saw the light of day again.

photo by Diane krauss

Ohhh myyyyyyy!!!

The Movie: Star Trek VI: Starfleet Academy
The Stars: ??????
The Problem: Gene Rodenberry and George Takei

This was supposed to take everyone back to younger more innocent days when Kirk and Spock met back at the academy and maybe did a little something with Bones too. This was going to establish how they all met, how they got along back in the old days and whatever other lose ends needed to be tied up. Trekkies were dying to see this flick. They were like batshit crazy about this movie. There was one problem – ok two – Gene Rodenberry didn’t think of it and George Takei was pissed off he wasn’t being cast as the teenage version of himself.

Here’s the deal – Harve Bennett was the man behind the whole thing. This was a sure thing flick. Gene Roddenberry, the creator of the original TV series of Star Trek, frickin’ hated Bennett. He wanted to do the film, but he was sitting on his ass, collecting royalty checks, so he missed out. He doesn’t like missing out so he got real bitchy. He told the actors, Shatner, Nimoy, Takei, etc… they would not get to play the young version of themselves and to do what they could to stop the film. Nimoy shrugged it off for the most part. Even Shatner kinda let it go. Takei got pissed!

I love me some George takei, but by the time this was due to shoot there was no way in hell there was enough makeup or advanced enough CGI technology to make him look like a teenager again. Takei wanted to get paid though, so he jumped on the bandwagon with Rodenberry spreading horrible rumors about the new cast and film, like they were going to model it after Police Academy, urging all Trekkies to boycott any film the original actors did not appear in. Ultimately, the film was shelved and never made. They never did get those original cast members into the roles because the movie was never fucking made! Way to go douche nozzles!

This is just here because it is too cool to not add to something whenever the opportunity arrives. <3@8000

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