Mind Candy

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She said what? Understanding what women mean when they talk to men

Posted by mandyf on August 12, 2011

Photo by: Mike Powel

What women say and what they really mean is often something totally different. A sigh is hardly ever just a sigh and “fine” almost never means anything that is remotely close to anything being fine. While there are countless words and phrases that fall under this huge umbrella, we’re going to focus on the handful that will provide the greatest public service. If you live with woman, are dating a woman or just really dig them you have to know how to decipher what a woman is saying – and pass it along to your friends and loved ones because an angry woman is a force of nature no mortal can withstand the wrath of.

But hey, be my guest and give it a try if you’ve got it like that. If you’re not feeling so ballsy, take a few minutes to commit the following words, phrases – and yes – sounds, to memory. Who knows, it could save your life or maybe your marble sack one day…. Definitely your XBox.

1. You have to understand that many women tell time differently than men do. A second is more like ten minutes. 5 minutes is more like a half hour. Now….If a woman says “5 minutes” and she is getting dressed it is more like 45 minutes. If she has not picked out an outfit and her hair is in flux it is more like an hour. There are subtle nuances from woman to woman. Don’t complain about this – she’ll be smoking hot when she’s ready.

2. If you ask a woman what is wrong and she says “nothing”, take cover. She is about to turn into a mushroom cloud laying motherfucker that will destroy you. She will go old school on your ass and turn into the Predator – or Chesty Puller! She will rip out your eyes, lop off your head and then take a dump down your throat while drinking a mojito from your skull – with a parasol in it. Seriously – when you hear “nothing” run for your life!

by Marcin n®

3. Fine…Fine, much like nothing, is a clear indicator everything is not fine. Fine is said in a snippier somewhat snotty tone, usually followed by slight shrug of the left shoulder, a quick almost unnoticeable head tilt, a slow blink and a light but exasperated exhale. She won’t go Chesty Puller on you after this, but she may very well detail everything you have ever done wrong in your entire life – an God help you if you try to stop to stop her before she finishes. That will lead to her channeling Bear Grylles and ripping into you like a goose carcass.

Photo by: Lara604

4. If a woman says “don’t worry about it – I’ll do it” this is the exact moment you have to seriously worry and take stock of your life. You may want to take this opportunity to get right with your maker. Usually – but certainly not always – a woman will say this just as the camel’s back is breaking. It means that she told you to do whatever it is she is now doing probably somewhere in the area of 7 -12 times already – and you fucked up and ignored her. You played Xbox instead. You watched the game. You took a nap. You went golfing. Maybe you went to a nekkid bar. It doesn’t matter – whatever you did,  it wasn’t what she asked you to do. Your only saving grace may be that you delivered a basket of kittens and puppies to cancer kids. Seriously….you fucked up that bad.

5. When women sigh loudly – which means you can hear it two rooms over with the volume up on the TV, she is disgusted. No words will be spoken, but that sigh communicates everything clearly. It is saying; “ You dumb fucking schmuck. I cannot believe that you pissed all over the floor last night – again! The toilet bowl is big and wide. Your dick is small and easy to handle. How the fuck can you not aim it better? What the hell am I doing wasting my life with you?” So if you get that loud sigh…just pack your shit and leave. It’s over.

From sodahead.com

6 Go ahead. Go ahead. Go right fucking ahead. It usually follows that progression. If a woman says go ahead, she is not actually giving you permission to go ahead – she is daring you to go ahead. Read between the lines, what she is saying is “Go ahead and do it you sackless wonder and I will put my foot so far up your ass the water on my knee will quench your thirst.” if you’re feeling froggy when she says this, by all means jump. Just be prepared to get your dick knocked in the dirt – and kicked around and stomped on for good measure. She may even call friends over to help her with this – and upload a video of it to YouTube. This is something you cannot win at.

7. Whatever – Whatever means fuck you. Sometime it means go fuck yourself. Either way, it’s never good.

8. Thanks can be confusing. Thanks in a normal tone just means thanks and you should immediately reply “you’re welcome” and then shut up. Thanks followed by a sigh or head shake is not thanks at all. It means “You’re useless, but I can only blame myself because I know you’re useless. I’ll go fix whatever you tried to do before you fuck it more.” If she says, “Thanks, thanks a lot”, it means the same as thanks with a head shake or sigh, but she might hit you in passing. Just watch for that.

9. That’s okay means that it is anything but okay. Things are so not okay that she is going to store this moment in her memory bank and whip it out later to make you feel like the biggest douche nozzle on the face of the Earth. She will whip it out in front of your co-workers, friends and family. She will continue to bring it up now and then over the entire span of your life – even if you break up. She will never forget what you did and there is no place safe to run or hide.

While it may seem that women always mean the opposite of what they say, the reality is that they only mean it in that manner sometimes. The point is that you will almost never have any idea what the hell a woman really means. Just assume that you screwed up something somehow and apologize profusely. It’s the safest course of action and the only real alternative is going gay – and there is nothing wrong that….

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One Response to “She said what? Understanding what women mean when they talk to men”

  1. Reblogged this on shadowvigil.

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