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Weird things removed from asses – and weirder stories of how they got there

Posted by mandyf on August 11, 2011

Photo by: Bradenduplessis

Most of the time when people wake up in the morning and say to them self “Gee my ass hurts”, it is because they slept on it wrong or maybe they had a hellu’va night with a rough trick named Jim. Oddly enough though, some of those people wake up with their ass hurting because they shoved things up it that don’t belong there – and no way are we talking about a penis – or two. These are things that no man or deity ever intended for anal action. It goes beyond a pen – or brush and the stories of how things got in someone’s ass are often the best part of the whole deal.

43 year old Tirisa Ruiz of Bogota, Colombia, tried to smuggle a little something into a prison while paying a visit. It’s hardly uncommon for “ass mail” to run at prisons, actually ass mail is delivered everyday. What made the Ruiz case interesting is that she tried to smuggle a gun up her ass and into the prison. As things turned out, the gun was so far up her ass she couldn’t pass it and surgeons had to perform an emergency extraction of the pistol lodged in her ass.

Photo by: Kuba Niewiedzial

In Mexico, a the mother of a prisoner tipped off the authorities that her son’s cell phone reception was not very good, and for the money she was paying for it, it should be stellar! The problem with that is that in Mexican prisons, the inmates are not allowed to have cellular phones so red flags starting going up everywhere. After failing to find any cell phones in the cells, they turned to X-raying the inmates. When they did that, they not only found the gang member, whose mother complained of shoddy service, had a cell phone wrapped in plastic jammed up his ass but other inmates in his gang did as well. Some also had extra chips stashed in their ass and one unlucky bastard had to keep a charger up his ass! It gives shitty reception a whole new meaning.

Here is an all-time classic that was reported by the Daily Telegraph – with video!

When a surgeon pulled the 6-inch long canister out of the patients ass, someone shouted, “Baby out!” amid loud cheers… The 39-year-old man had surgery three days after going on a rather heavy  New Year’s drinking binge. After a quickie with some chap he met,  the body spray canister ended up in his body and he had no idea how it got up his ass. Vicente Sotto Memorial Medical Center is conducting an investigation. http://www.liveleak.com/e/f27_1208563235

Fred Ebullana is a true Ass bandit. The man can apparently get just about anything in his ass. He has pulled off a Coke bottle. He’s done A Barbie Doll and a cricket ball. He even got a Rubik’s Cube in his ass – no word on if he solved it up there as well. He’s had at least 240 foreign objects up his ass – including a My Little Pony doll. He’s the holder of a very sick world record for ass cramming.

Speaking of Coke bottles, a 60 year old man claimed that – get this – thieves broke into his home and shoved a bottle of the refreshing beverage up his ass. Rather than have the police he reported the crime to call an ambulance to like – get the bottle out of his ass…he did nothing. Actually, no one can recall any record of a break in at his address. The only record of it is his story to the surgeons that removed the bottle from his ass a few days after he realized he was having a tough time taking a dump! We believe this as much as he slipped and it just went up there.

A real favorite is a Florida inmate that went the ass mail route when surrendering himself. It’s not that he put something in a condom and then tried to sneak it in up his ass – it’s what he put in the condom that was up his ass and how much of it there was. For starters, there were 17 oxycodone pills and an empty syringe that had a small eraser over the tip of the needle. There was a lone cigarette, 6 matches, and a flint. Where it gets weird is he also had a container of lip balm, a receipt from CVS and a single coupon – what the coupon was for is a mystery. This is weird because…why would you pack a receipt, coupon and lip balm in the condom shoved up your ass when those are not contraband items? No wonder he got caught!

Photo by: Donovan Govan

I love this one – a guy gets a vibrator stuck up his ass! I know – big deal, it’s just a vibrator. The big deal is he tried to remove the vibrator using salad tongs which then also got stuck in his ass with the vibrator! He gets some balsamic vinaigrette and a few cherry tomatoes up there and it’s a party! Woo hoo!

A Georgia lawyer made the mistake of thinking his actual fanny was a fanny pack – so he packed his fanny with the ever popular cellular phone. Here’s the twist on this story – he claims to have been in the shower with his phone ..hmm…a bit odd. He then somehow slipped on the shower tile, tripped over his dog, flipped the phone open and he then somehow contorted while falling over his dog in the shower into a position that allowed the phone to go straight up his ass. The obvious question is why are you naked in the shower with your dog and phone and what kind of phone is it?!?!?!? Anyone that makes a flip phone that can withstand the water and take the pounding it did while going up an ass without breaking is a company I want to buy from!

It kinda reminds me of those old Time Life book commercials – you remember, the ones where the guy says “It’s in the book!” In a weird way, for these people at least, it’s in the ass!


One Response to “Weird things removed from asses – and weirder stories of how they got there”

  1. […] found th&#1077 devices neatly packed away. N&#959 wonder h&#1077r son h&#1072d crappy reception. (Link) Th&#1077 inmate whose family melted drugs drawn &#1110nt&#959 children’s coloring book Three […]

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