Mind Candy

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I just won $10.5 million dollars – According to my special Nigerian friend at least

Posted by mandyf on July 17, 2011

Most people hate their spam email, but I for one take a perverse pleasure in reading it from time to time just to see how freakin’ stupid the people that send it, compose it, and ultimately for some – respond to it are. In the case of the spam that has me tickled today it is merely a twist on the Nigerian prince scam which has sucked in one dimwit after another. Part of what I love is that these always make me run this imaginary commentary in my head while I am reading them which at times I find humorous. If you do as well – awesome! If not, bite me! I’m just having fun with myself in a way that doesn’t require lubrication.

REFUND PAYMENT FROM UNITED NATIONS

(Okay, since when was the UN appointed to give out refunds? Aren’t they busy with bigger issues like explaining who the fuck thought it was a good idea to put Iran on the Human Rights commission?)

Friday, July 15, 2011 9:54 AM
From:
“UNITED NATIONS AUDIT” <un.refunds@rediffmail.com>

Add sender to Contacts

To:
undisclosed-recipients
(I love Undisclosed recipients, because it flies in the face of the entire letter. Supposedly these funds aRE MEANT JUST OR ME!!!!! Sadly however it would seem there may be tens of thousands of people with my name that match whatever vague information was used to try to narrow down who all this unclaimed money belongs to. Again, the UN would, you’d think, have access to real detectives or at least databases, but no, they apparently have just this asshat.)

UNITED NATIONS OFFICE OF INTERNATIONAL OVERSIGHT SERVICES
Internal Audit, Monitoring, Consulting and Investigations Division

(For fun, visit this link from the UN itself and see what they have to say about this exact type of email! Evidently, they are hoping the people they target have never heard of Google, or Bing, or even those crappy little serps like Ask!)

From: DR.(REV) ROBERT MACK

(Dr. of what? Rev of what faith? I’m a Jedi Master and I take titles seriously so I demand to know what your actual credentials before I use my mind trick on you. Another quick Google excursion it seems he only exists on the scam email warning sites…my patience is wearing thin.)

This is to inform you that I came to Nigeria yesterday from London, after
series of complains from the FBI and other Security agencies from Asia,
Europe, South America and the United States of America respectively, against
the Federal Government of Nigeria and the British Government for the rate of
scam activities going on in these two nations.

(Okay for starters, your grammar is not working. You had a series of complains? Really? I am unimpressed by all your complains. The FBI is working in conjunction with all of these unnamed security services from around the world on all of these complains being received and YOU are the person they put in charge of unraveling it all? Are you fucking high?  Are we really going to believe that the brits are the problem, not the Nigerians that have been committing every form of wire and mail fraud known to man since who the hell knows when? The same Nigerians helping to finance piracy on the high seas, government sponsored computer hacking, human trafficking, torture, murder,random violence against women and gays that goes unpunished, indentured servitude of children, and over 800 people dead due to “VOTING RELATED ACTIVITIES?” How can you be fucking serious? )

I have meet with Vice President Dr. Good Luck Jonathan Who Was Appointed As
The Acting President Of Federal Republic Of Nigeria By The Law Makers. Who
claimed that he has been trying his best to make sure you receive your fund in
your account. Right now, as directed by our secretary general Mr. Ban Ki-Moon,
We are working in collaborations with the Nigerian Economic and Financial
Crime Commission (EFCC) and have decided to Ensure That Your Approved Fund
Legal Papers Is Secured and authorize the Government of Nigeria to effect the
payment of your compensation/contract Approved Fund Valid $10.5 M direct to
your bank account or through an ATM delivery or cash depending on your choice
of payment. All you need to do is to furnish us this information below.

(So many things are wrong here I have no idea where to begin. The grammar, the just….so…just so fucking terrible sentence structure…It makes my head hurt. And oh yeah – I always conduct all of my multimillion dollar transactions via the ATM down at the corner Shell station. I am also confused by the seeming inability to figure out what is supposed to be capitalized and what is not. How can I trust these people to properly handle my $10.5 million dollars if they cannot be trusted to figure out the rules of capitalization in the English language?)

1.Full Name:___________________2. Address:____________________
3.Sex___________4. Age:_____
5. Occupation:___________________6. Phone:___________Fax:_____
7. Mobilephone____________________8.Country:_____
9. Copy of Your Identity:____________

(Oh yeah, I’m getting right on this! All I have to do is provide you with enough information to steal my identity at which time I will never hear from you again or get my $10.5 million dollars. In the past hen this scam first arose they had the common courtesy to email people back and tell them that their ID did not match the person they were looking for – after stealing their ID of course. These new scammers are too damn lazy to do even that. They just steal your stuff without so much as a thank you. That’s like Hulk Hogan ass fucking Vince McMahon without giving him the courtesy of a reach around. Rude frickin’ bastards!)
All this information will enable us cross check your information we have in
our file here with us at the same time advice you on what to do to receive
your fund. Sincerely, you are a lucky person. This is because I have just
discovered that some of Nigerian and British Government Officials are
interested in your fund and they are working in collaboration with One Mr.
Richard Graves from USA to frustrate you and thereafter divert your fund into
their personal account. Did you sign any “Deed of Agreement”in his favor
thereby making him the current beneficiary ?

(Okay, for the last fucking time – you ADVISE me on things, not ADVICE me on them.And wait one second – who the fuck is this Dick Graves dude and is he somehow supposed to get  part of my $10.5m for helping facilitate something? I don’t want anymore fingers in my money pie you scheming bastard! Oh…wait….I get it….You are saying that Dick is trying to steal my $10.5m that doesn’t really exist outside of this email, but you are hoping telling me that will make me act promptly because that is the “outside pressure” that compels me to protect that which is mine even if it is only fictitious horseshit. )

I have a very limited time to stay here in Nigeria therefore; I would like you
to urgently respond to this message so that I can advise you on how best to
confirm your fund in your account within the next 7-working days. For oral
discussion call this number,+2347082973030, +44 70457 48322
(Again dude, punctuation! Seriously, if you are a power broker you can afford a copywriter, or at least a wrongfully imprisoned Nigerian schoolteacher that wanted to do something blasphemous, like educate girls, that reads and writes English fluently. Also, I will not be doing ANYTHING oral with you. That not only sounds wrong, it sounds infectious given the amount of AIDS infected Nigerian men that think raping a little girl around the age of 8 will cure them of their disease because everyone knows (in Nigeria at least) that sex with virgins cures AIDS. Keep your diseased rhinoceros pizzle 53.7 yards away from me at all times.)
Sincerely yours,
(After all we’ve just been through, and how rich I am about to be, all I merit is sincerely? I’m hurt.)
DR.(REV) ROBERT MACK
United Nations Under-Secretary-
General for Internal Oversight.

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